Text from my Weight Watchers friend, Karen Bodner, who in turn got this from her Weight Watchers friend John Cramer.
Be it here by known that I Cassandra Schmigotzki who shall be known as “Landlord” do here by give notice to the current residents who shall be known as “FAT” of the following described property “MY BODY” are hereby given notice you are ordered to vacate and remove yourself from the afore mentioned property. This notice will be in effect from now to extend to forever.
This eviction is hereby being executed for the reasons listed below.
Breach of Lease Agreement:
Failure to make improvements in the overall appearance of the property.
Failure to make the property a safe living environment
Failure to maintain property in a marketable condition.
Exceeding the maximum occupancy of the property
Expanded the property without prior permission from the owner in writing
Failure to produce permits and signage for wide loads
Excessive and abnormal wear on property furnishings and structure
Decreased the overall lifespan of the property
During your residency you have increased the overall heart rate of the property
During your residency you have increased the internal pressures on several primary systems
You have on several occasions promoted lax or nonexistent activity leading to the overall depreciation of property value.
You have encouraged poor eating habits leading to general decline in the property
Nonpayment of Rent & failure to compensate
During your residency you have failed to compensate the landlord in any form
You have forced the landlord to incur additional cost in maintaining the property
You have increased the overall operating expenses of the property
Your over occupancy had created a need for additional external enclosures (Clothes)
You are currently classified as a “NO VALUE ADDED” resident
You have disrupted on several occasion adjoining properties
You have caused or participated in several domestic disputes
You have introduced a negative influence into property
You have blocked or created obstacles for many property activities
You have removed the ability of the property to operate at a normal level
Due to the numerous reasons listed above your cooperation is not only requested but required and your compliance with this notice is required.
Furthermore having a new resident in waiting now known as “Good Health” & “Longer Life” you will have your complete deposit returned to you. The landlord wishes nothing more than to have no further contact with you at all. Any attempt by you to make contact with the landlord will be met with any and all applicable force required to remove you from the property.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation and understanding in this matter.
Sincerely your landlord Cassandra Schmigotzki.
Feel free to share and pass along if you wish. Go ahead and change it to your name and give your fat the same notice. All for one and one for all!